I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
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They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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