how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
