"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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