I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
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Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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