just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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