It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
