if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.