You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think a kid would responsible me up
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.