ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
