i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
