If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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