They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
