Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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