I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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