i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
