hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
