i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
