she woke up with a sticky ear
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
