If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
