I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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