All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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