Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
