I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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