Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
