Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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