you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
