End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ