We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i came on her dog
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
