The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
