I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
