He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
