Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
