You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
