Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
