Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I love you.
Bad choice
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
