dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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