Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
