I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have demons in me.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
