Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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