Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
