Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
