i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
