i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dignity is for republicans.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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