I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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