Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
