somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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