My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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