I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
