I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
