i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's on the porch naked. Help.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
