are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
