Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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