if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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