Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
