so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
