butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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