Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
