Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
