it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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