Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
