She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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